Why - An original poem

I would ask myself why I wrote all of this down: why I feel the need to create things, knowing they won't last, knowing they won't change anyone, and won't change the world. 

The world will end and we will all cease to be, and there won't be anyone looking through abandoned houses reading journals and flipping through art books to appreciate the thoughts and feelings I had when I was 17. 

I would ask myself what the point of it all was: why we go through life trying to be happy, trying to hold on, trying to figure out what we're all here for - what I'm here for. 

.

.

.

I asked my therapist why I wrote this all down. Why I felt the need to create for a world that didn't value me, didn't care, wouldn't survive. And her answer resolved me.

Because it helps me now.

Because we live in the present.

Because we love in the present.

Because it aids in my own journey.

And just . . .

Because.

- Nicole

Alter

 I set the fire

You set the fire

It is my fault

It is my fault

An upside down cross illuminates my skin

I feel the warmth begin to envelope me

I listen to the screams

You hear the screams

I let it happen.

They're my screams

The light above disappears with the setting sun

Darkness envelops me

The darkness grows inside me

I'm blinded by my present

We were tied together

I am tied together

There will be no escape

There was no escape

I will burn you

I let you set the fire

I'm beside my self

I cannot hold on

One last look

One last breath

Facing a mirror

Facing my foe

You deserve to burn

I deserve to burn

Second to I

My bitter tongue is no more

My equal

My cleft hooves

Up in flames

Down due to lies

My self

My soulmate

No more

Truth Hurts

 I was your friend for convenience

You were my friend for real

We spoke our secrets in whispers

We shook hands on our deal

Every day we'd share our lives

round and round on a wheel

The inside jokes turned icey

And looks we used to steal

Halted like a stop sign

Broken from the ordeal

The storm clouds followed above me

They're all that I could feel

 I was your friend for convenience

You were my friend for real

Now I know the truth of it

Now I can begin to heal

Heavy

Heavy

Lead in my feet

In my hands

In my head

It's vibrating

Moving slowly

I'm moving normal but I am moving normal but with the world slow

Vibrating still

With lead

As my skeleton falls out of my body from a great height

Falling

Un  -  t o g e t h e r

Shaking

Pins and needles

Smiling

Fingers moving

The feel of clothing and moving around the world

Tingling

Like bubbles around my every inch

As the weight of the world feels

Heavy

To think [not] of you

Every day I feel a little less

For you

I hurt a little less

For you

The gape that you left has been 

Filled in

The absence of your touch

Forgotten.

The memories become a bit more blurred

I become a little stronger

A little more independent.

To think there was a time when I thought of nothing but you.

What a waste of my time.

I look at photographs of you, of your happiness and feel content... or not content, but clear.

Clear of my feelings, clear of the hurt, clear of the jealousy.

I feel clear to love myself without you

I feel indifferent towards you

A passerby on the street

A reflection in a window

A vague inkling of a moment

Oh, to be finally free.

You made it look easy

You're the reason I keep stalling.
You're the reason I keep falling.
You're the reason I am crawling.
You're the reason I keep calling.

You're the reason I'm broken inside.
Taped together to stop my cries.
You made it so easy to leave my side.
You made it look easy to forget my eyes.

There was a turning point I thought I could make,
I watched for you to turn but you weren't even awake.
You never looked back, not even a fake.
I prayed for you to care, but there was nothing at stake.

I chased after you instead. It made me look weak.
Desperate even, the outlook seemed bleak.

I didn't care.

I hugged you and you didn't hug me back.
I apologised though I did nothing wrong.
I thought this was the moment where we could fix all the bad.
But this was just the moment where everything was gone.

It was always me, asking and wanting.
It was always me, pushing and prodding.
You didn't make an effort, you didn't want to stay.
The signs were all there but I looked the other way.

I chased after you, but it didn't seem fair.

The truth was, you just...
                                                              didn't care.

silence

For us,
Silence was everything.
We didn't fill it with just anything  
Only the most important and
Precious things.
We filled our silence with
Our heartbeats
Our breaths
The sound the rain made outside as it hits the Ground.
We didn't need noise
Or clutter
Or meaningless babble.
We only needed silence.
And in that, we told each other
Everything.
It filled the spaces between us
And between the gaps in our hearts
And around our rib cages
And filled the spaces in our heads where
We didn't know there were spaces before.
Our silence spoke to us
And it revealed our souls.
It revealed us.

sweet senses

I like the taste of brewed coffee to heighten my senses each morning.
I like the taste of your tongue as it mixes with mine.

I like the smell of a freshly peeled mandarin as it clings to my fingers.
I like the smell of your cologne hanging onto your skin.

I like the touch of my warm coat as I throw it over my shoulders.
I like the touch of your hands underneath it that chill me to my core.

I like the sound of my favourite song coming on the radio.
I like the sound of you calling Bye, Darling to me as I leave.

I like the look of the sun rising, slowly getting brighter as I drive on.
I like the look of you standing there, ruffled hair and pants hanging low.

I like the feeling I get when I think of you, when I think of coming home to you.
I like the feeling you give me when I know I'll see you soon.

Every morning and every evening, for the rest of our lives.

Good morning, Darling.

History Repeats

I'm stuck on repeat
I'm losing my nerve
I wish that you had me
instead of this girl
I'm doing it wrong
It doesn't make sense
I wish I had you and
that life made sense

History repeats
I'm doing it wrong
again and again
I keep going along
full of regrets
tell me the price
I've ruined it all
give me advice

If history repeats
if history is wrong
I'll make it again
I'll go it alone
I'm stuck on repeat
I'm losing my nerve
if history repeats
i'll be out on the curb.

For the one who holds my heart

Listen

For the one who holds my heart

I ask you to take care

I may seem like a fearless one

But my head is unaware

With what it's like to love someone

As important as you

So hold on to me with all you got

Because I'm glad I've found you