Alter

 I set the fire

You set the fire

It is my fault

It is my fault

An upside down cross illuminates my skin

I feel the warmth begin to envelope me

I listen to the screams

You hear the screams

I let it happen.

They're my screams

The light above disappears with the setting sun

Darkness envelops me

The darkness grows inside me

I'm blinded by my present

We were tied together

I am tied together

There will be no escape

There was no escape

I will burn you

I let you set the fire

I'm beside my self

I cannot hold on

One last look

One last breath

Facing a mirror

Facing my foe

You deserve to burn

I deserve to burn

Second to I

My bitter tongue is no more

My equal

My cleft hooves

Up in flames

Down due to lies

My self

My soulmate

No more

Truth Hurts

 I was your friend for convenience

You were my friend for real

We spoke our secrets in whispers

We shook hands on our deal

Every day we'd share our lives

round and round on a wheel

The inside jokes turned icey

And looks we used to steal

Halted like a stop sign

Broken from the ordeal

The storm clouds followed above me

They're all that I could feel

 I was your friend for convenience

You were my friend for real

Now I know the truth of it

Now I can begin to heal

To think [not] of you

Every day I feel a little less

For you

I hurt a little less

For you

The gape that you left has been 

Filled in

The absence of your touch

Forgotten.

The memories become a bit more blurred

I become a little stronger

A little more independent.

To think there was a time when I thought of nothing but you.

What a waste of my time.

I look at photographs of you, of your happiness and feel content... or not content, but clear.

Clear of my feelings, clear of the hurt, clear of the jealousy.

I feel clear to love myself without you

I feel indifferent towards you

A passerby on the street

A reflection in a window

A vague inkling of a moment

Oh, to be finally free.

silence

For us,
Silence was everything.
We didn't fill it with just anything  
Only the most important and
Precious things.
We filled our silence with
Our heartbeats
Our breaths
The sound the rain made outside as it hits the Ground.
We didn't need noise
Or clutter
Or meaningless babble.
We only needed silence.
And in that, we told each other
Everything.
It filled the spaces between us
And between the gaps in our hearts
And around our rib cages
And filled the spaces in our heads where
We didn't know there were spaces before.
Our silence spoke to us
And it revealed our souls.
It revealed us.

sweet senses

I like the taste of brewed coffee to heighten my senses each morning.
I like the taste of your tongue as it mixes with mine.

I like the smell of a freshly peeled mandarin as it clings to my fingers.
I like the smell of your cologne hanging onto your skin.

I like the touch of my warm coat as I throw it over my shoulders.
I like the touch of your hands underneath it that chill me to my core.

I like the sound of my favourite song coming on the radio.
I like the sound of you calling Bye, Darling to me as I leave.

I like the look of the sun rising, slowly getting brighter as I drive on.
I like the look of you standing there, ruffled hair and pants hanging low.

I like the feeling I get when I think of you, when I think of coming home to you.
I like the feeling you give me when I know I'll see you soon.

Every morning and every evening, for the rest of our lives.

Good morning, Darling.

History Repeats

I'm stuck on repeat
I'm losing my nerve
I wish that you had me
instead of this girl
I'm doing it wrong
It doesn't make sense
I wish I had you and
that life made sense

History repeats
I'm doing it wrong
again and again
I keep going along
full of regrets
tell me the price
I've ruined it all
give me advice

If history repeats
if history is wrong
I'll make it again
I'll go it alone
I'm stuck on repeat
I'm losing my nerve
if history repeats
i'll be out on the curb.

For the one who holds my heart

Listen

For the one who holds my heart

I ask you to take care

I may seem like a fearless one

But my head is unaware

With what it's like to love someone

As important as you

So hold on to me with all you got

Because I'm glad I've found you

Like Crazy

My heart isn't in my rib cage where it used to be
And it's not on my sleeve where I left it.
Somewhere down the line I gave it away

To someone who needed it more than me.
I didn't even realise what I was doing
Or how I was affecting myself and them.
Sometimes you just do things because
They must be done.
And they must be done now.

Sometimes all I want to do is be with you.
The waiting around kills me but I know this is
Next to nothing of what I put you through.
So I deserve it. All of it. I know.
But knowing that only makes it mildly better.

I have so much free time now
And I spend it thinking of you
And what we would be doing right now if you were here.
I think about the future. Our future.
And I imagine me making you pancakes in our kitchen
And cuddling up on our couch, in our house,
Watching reruns of Doctor Who.
And I think about how I got here but I don't remember.
You have become my obsession.
And I know I have become yours.

My Lullaby

I want to fall asleep talking to you

Listening to the sound of your voice

Tickle my ears and warm my insides.

I want to melt under your touch

As you trace patterns on my skin

Down my back, across my arms

Gently dancing delicately through my mind

As I drift off into nothingness.

This is my lullaby.

You are my lullaby.

In My Veins

The last time I saw him, he was broken.
His insides had leaked out
and I saw him for what he now was—
For what he had always been.

I cut him away, like he had cut me;
I had copied him like a machine.
I followed in his footsteps, like I always had.
I was pasted in his veins and I should have known
that he was stuck for all eternity in mine.

He still looked beautiful as he bled into my heart.
He still looked astounding as I tried to sew him back together.
Nothing worked and I was left with a shadow;
a mere image of him that used to be so much more.

We had dreamt. We had imagined our lives.
He told me his last stories for the last time
as I watched him speak his last words,
and then finally . . . his last breath.

I felt the privilege and then I felt the guilt.
I held his torn heart as his love overflowed.
It was too late though.

He was in my veins
and there was no getting him out.
He was the love of my life
and I had watched him drown.

Liar

I did not tell him that I loved him.
He knew I did but doesn't know I do.
I wanted to ask about his day
But I sat there, thinking it too soon.

I did not tell him of the cheating.
He only knew about half the truth.
I did not mention all the tears.
I did not think I owed him proof.

I did not tell him that I lied
About the things I used to do.
I did not tell him of the anger
That I felt towards him too.

I did not tell him of the presents
That I put so much time into.
I did not tell him of the presence
He made in my life on cue.

All these things I did not share with him
Seem awful all at once.
But I wanted to protect him
From all the hurtful things I'd done.

I guess that's why it ended
And why it never would have last.
For I am a great, big Liar
And he was nothing but the past.

[You were] a rose

You were a rose

Wound tightly around my heart

I was captured by your sweet

Smell and the red of your

Petals and the soft brushes of your

Leaves. That I didn't notice

Your thorns digging in

Until I had to pull them out

By myself. One by one...

Small Moments

Listen

we sit in bed reading

there is a space between us

as we nudge towards the light

transfixed by our own stories

but play footsies under the covers

I turn to him and smile

as his eyes move slowly from his 

page to meet mine

I kiss him like the protagonist kissed 

her prince in the book I'm reading

I want him in that moment

I want our story to be in a book

to be remembered for all the 

small moments we make

in our ever-vast universe of Life.

Growing Up

Listen

School nights turn into week nights.

School days turn into work days.

Weekends turn into work days.

It's called growing up.

It happens slowly

and before you notice,

you're driving around

trying to find where you belong

which is Nowhere and

Everywhere all at the same time.

And people keep calling you

asking for help and guidance

but you're just as lost,

and you realise....

That's what life is about:

Being Lost.

But the world keeps on spinning

and changing, faster than you.

The number of candles grow

as the wicks get smaller.

Friends turn into lovers 

and lovers turn into nothing.

The world keeps on shrinking

as your circle falls away,

and you have to learn to cope

in the ever-changing world

of an adult wishing to be a child.

It's called growing up.